19 Feb

Page 53: Reason and Doubt

rainyday

Ingerid walks home in the pouring rain with a lingering warmth from the conversation with Per. Still, she doesn’t know exactly what to do or where to go. She’s pondering whether to go back to the reading hall or home and read or just plainly take a day off and do something completely different. The typical thing for her to do would be to make the most responsible choice. A slight uneasiness in her throat is crawling in just thinking about taking a day off. The time schedule at the University is pretty tight when it comes to how many pages one should read per day, and she knows it’s hard to recoup if one starts to fall behind.

The rain comes down heavily on her umbrella as she’s debating with herself weighing the arguments for and against. Every statement is reasoned from an angle of responsibility. Duty, duty, duty she concludes and sighs. A voice lent to her from her parents and teachers for many years.
“What if everyone just did what they felt like doing? It would turn into complete chaos. Everyone has to do things that they don’t feel like doing”, the voices of the past reminds her.

“But are those statements really true? Would it really be a complete chaos? Maybe there wouldn’t be any chaos at all but rather more joy and happiness in the world?”, she argues with herself.
Every day all over the world someone wants to do something different from what they’re currently doing A janitor wants to be a doctor, a doctor feels in his heart to be a baker and a baker is deeply passionate about law and dreams of becoming a hot-shot lawyer while a lawyer wants nothing else than to become an artist. Maybe it would’ve all worked out without chaos if everyone actually did what they really wanted to do?

So, is she about to become what she really wants?
Is she about to embark on a career filled with tasks that she really wants to do and enjoy doing?
She used to think so, but now she’s not so sure anymore. She doubts whether she’s actually going to look forward to work everyday. She doubts whether she’s going to be good at it. Doubts if it’ll satisfy her so deeply that she’ll be grateful everyday for having chosen the right kind of work. Doubts whether others will appreciate her for the job she’ll be doing and the contribution she’ll be giving. Simply doubts. And the doubts are digging deeper and deeper. Deep and harshly into the core of her being as she’s walking home surrounded by cold wet rain.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

Leave a Reply