19 Feb

Page 53: Reason and Doubt

rainyday

Ingerid walks home in the pouring rain with a lingering warmth from the conversation with Per. Still, she doesn’t know exactly what to do or where to go. She’s pondering whether to go back to the reading hall or home and read or just plainly take a day off and do something completely different. The typical thing for her to do would be to make the most responsible choice. A slight uneasiness in her throat is crawling in just thinking about taking a day off. The time schedule at the University is pretty tight when it comes to how many pages one should read per day, and she knows it’s hard to recoup if one starts to fall behind.

The rain comes down heavily on her umbrella as she’s debating with herself weighing the arguments for and against. Every statement is reasoned from an angle of responsibility. Duty, duty, duty she concludes and sighs. A voice lent to her from her parents and teachers for many years.
“What if everyone just did what they felt like doing? It would turn into complete chaos. Everyone has to do things that they don’t feel like doing”, the voices of the past reminds her.

“But are those statements really true? Would it really be a complete chaos? Maybe there wouldn’t be any chaos at all but rather more joy and happiness in the world?”, she argues with herself.
Every day all over the world someone wants to do something different from what they’re currently doing A janitor wants to be a doctor, a doctor feels in his heart to be a baker and a baker is deeply passionate about law and dreams of becoming a hot-shot lawyer while a lawyer wants nothing else than to become an artist. Maybe it would’ve all worked out without chaos if everyone actually did what they really wanted to do?

So, is she about to become what she really wants?
Is she about to embark on a career filled with tasks that she really wants to do and enjoy doing?
She used to think so, but now she’s not so sure anymore. She doubts whether she’s actually going to look forward to work everyday. She doubts whether she’s going to be good at it. Doubts if it’ll satisfy her so deeply that she’ll be grateful everyday for having chosen the right kind of work. Doubts whether others will appreciate her for the job she’ll be doing and the contribution she’ll be giving. Simply doubts. And the doubts are digging deeper and deeper. Deep and harshly into the core of her being as she’s walking home surrounded by cold wet rain.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

26 Jan

Page 51-52

girl-sitting

His lips taste like sweet cherry lipgloss, but Elise knows it’s not hers. It’s from one of her best girlfriends and she’s now lying by his feet struggling to take his pants off.
“How did I end up in this situation?”, Elise asks herself and feels the inner fight between right and wrong. She opens her eyes but all she’s able to see is Per Olav’s cheek and hair. His lips and tongue is still passionately engulfed with hers. Elise feels absentminded as if her mouth and tongue lived a life of their own without her involvement. But the cherry lipgloss piques her curiosity. It reminds her of Katy Perry’s song “I kissed a girl”. Escaping from the awkwardness of the moment, she finds herself playing around with thoughts of kissing Silje when all of a sudden Per Olav throws his head backwards and opens his mouth widely in a big sigh. The eruption of enjoyment takes her by surprise.

“What made him react so suddenly?”, she wonders and gazes down his naked, muscular body and sees Silje with her head buried between his legs. He’s completely lost in Silje’s mouth. Elise realises he’s now blissfully unaware of her own presence. Her competitive spirit starts to emerge.

“What should I do? How can I reclaim his attention?”, Elise desperately inquires.
“Shit, I should’ve been a little more drunk before I got myself into this mess”, she thinks and looks around the room to see if she can spot any glasses or bottles of alcohol. A few wineglasses sit on the bedside table. She leans over to grab hold of one but realises they’re all empty.
Should she leave the room in order to get something from the bar in the living room? She ponders the idea for a short while but quickly throws it away in fear of missing something important. She doesn’t want to be out of the room if a big move happens. It could easily make it too hard for her to get back in the game again. The feeling of redundancy is already highly palpable.

“What can I do to get back on track?”, she contemplates frantically.
The song keeps popping up in her head in the tiny moments between one desperate thought after another.
“I kissed a girl and I liked it!” The lyrics pounds in her mind like a repetitive beat.
For lack of a better idea she moves towards Silje and starts kissing and caressing her half naked bottom. Silje immediately reacts by perking her head up in surprise.
Elise halts.
A second of shock comes over Silje’s face before her expressions quickly softens again by the pleasurable sensations given to her body. It drives her to continue even more passionately on Per Olav’s body.

Inspired by Silje’s accept and passion, Elise dares to take it a step further. She grabs hold of Silje’s thong with her teeth, and slowly pulls it down with a trail of wet kisses along the way. Soft fingers daringly caress her hips and the insides of her thighs. Silje lets out a pleasurable moan and sticks her bottom even further out. Elise answers the call by letting her fingers slowly find their way into the wet landscape between her legs. Her fingers playfully and teasingly circles the edges of her wet lips making Silje’s body sway from side to side eagerly chasing the next touch. Their breathing is heavy and loud. When Elise lets one of her fingers slip into her girlfriend’s wet tunnel a loud pleasurable scream of relief fills the room. Elise leans over Silje’s legs and softly kisses her butt cheeks while her finger caresses the insides until an alarming thought suddenly rushes in like a freight train in her brain.

“What is she doing?”, she thinks and panics.
She’s touching, caressing and kissing one of her best girlfriends! How are they going to be able to face each other tomorrow? Is this going to change everything?”, she ponders in fear while withdrawing her fingers abruptly.
“No, I can’t do this. It’s stupid. Too close. Too weird. Too disgusting…”, she concludes and leaves the room frantically.

Elise leans against the wall outside the room and slides down until she hits the hard floor. Their moans are still audible. Images of their movements in bed pop up with every squeaking sound they make. The situation has turned into a torturous experience.

Wet, shameful tears run down her chin. She rests against the wall with her knees tightly tugged to her chest. With hurt and hopelessness she puts her head in her hands until a scent of Silje gently seeps towards her. With anger and regret she abruptly pulls her hands away as if they weren’t her own. Seemingly blaming her hands for the actions committed.
“How could I be so stupid”, she says harshly as if scolding could remedy the situation. Snot and tears are being wiped away with a t-shirt she grabbed on her way out of the room. Frozen like a rabbit under attack, she remains in the same position unable to make a sound or walk away. Afraid of missing out on any action, she sits there quietly with a sea of emotion swirling around her body like a poisonous maelstrom of anger, jealousy and humiliation.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

17 Jan

Chapter 8: Page 49-50: Hunter, Prey and Threesome

champis

 

Chapter 8
Petter turns up the music inside the white Range Rover Evoque. The whole car is suddenly filled with Flo Rida and Sia’s voice screaming
“Hey, I heard you were a wild one”.
The mood exalts upwards and makes the girls join in from the backseat.
“Ooooooh ooooh ooooh!”, they respond.
The car turns into the parking lot at Tjuvholmen. They quickly get out of the car and storm towards Bølgen & Moi eager to consume expensive champagne, excellent food and a beautiful sunset. They grab hold of one of the large tables outside. Chairs are replaced by trendy red plastic benches covered with white sheep skins. The place is packed with seemingly successful people in a good party mood behind dark sunglasses and luxury brand clothes. Per Olav is quick to order a few bottles of champagne and some beers.
“Yooohooo!”, the girls reply as the cork pops and the liquid gold is poured into stiletto glasses. Laughter and loud voices mingle together in the radiant summer sun. The evening is beautifully lit up by high cheers and appreciation. Their sporty outfit seems to draw more and more attention as the guys starts to fill up with alcohol. And Per Olav don’t seem to miss a beat as he knows to keep the girls glasses always nearly full. Sara is on one side of the table with a couple of guys on each side and Per Olav is sitting between Silje and Elise just across.

As the evening grows darker, his hands grow hungrier. He starts to move them up and down both of their thighs underneath the table. If one of the girls is busy in a conversation with another guy, he quickly turns to the other girl. His attention wanders between them to make sure their both happy and eager. And as the number of champagne glasses rises, so does the party mood. Influenced by the setting and the rhythm of champagne, both of the girls starts to return his caresses underneath the table. A dangerous dance of arousal starts to evolve. The movements might be secretly hidden from the crowd, but the game is written all over their faces. The fiery eyes, the hungry smiles and flirtatious secrecy.

As they walk over to BAR down the street he displays his territorial powers through a good grip around both their waists. Both of the girls seem to enjoy his attention. They don’t look bothered at all by sharing him as the shot glasses lands on their table time after time, until a few rounds in. Per Olav starts to lose hold of the situation. Before he knows it Elise and Silje are arguing loudly over his favour. He laughs at them and mumbles something about being sexy when they argue. But when it starts to get out of hand, he interrupts.
“I like both of you. How about a threesome?”, he asks playfully.
They go silent while the question lingers in the air. Is he joking? The girls examine each other with intoxicated bloodshot eyes.

Is it supposed to be a joke, or does he really mean it? Elise looks puzzled over at Per Olav. He returns her gaze with a satisfied smile and an attitude confirming the cockiness of his suggestion. The fiery passion she got familiar with last night has returned. But this time the lightning desire in his eyes is also directed at her girlfriend. He seems to desire them both. She couldn’t have been that bad in bed after all if he’s willing to continue, she concludes while being a little bit annoyed that he desires her girlfriend more than her. A man likes to hunt, she remembers. And since he already had her as his prey yesterday, her choice tonight will probably wind down to accepting his offer for a threesome or tolerate him desiring and possibly spending the night with her girlfriend alone instead. Suddenly it’s no longer a competition between her and Silje, but rather a question of whether she’d like to join the game or not. In the light of her last thought, Elise decides to not give up so easily. She starts to laugh to ease up the tension and throws the ball of the game over to Silje. Is she going to reject the proposition about a threesome by seeing it as a joke, or is she going to accept? Elise stares intensely at her while a deep arousing beat pounds in the background with Usher’s voice singing:
”If you want to scream, yeah, let me know and I’ll take you there”.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

13 Jan

Page 46-48: A Warm Embrace

klem

“It sounds complicated and difficult”, Ingerid replies skeptically. She can’t help thinking about the situation with Sara and Silje and the words that just fell out of her mouth in defence.
“It might sound difficult now, but with the exercises you’ve learned you’ll see that your awareness muscle will expand and sort of turn down the pace for you. It becomes almost like you’ve hit a slow-motion button. Time will seem to stretch itself as if it was bendable”, Per explains and laughs at the thought.
With bright shimmering eyes he continues:
“In this slow-motion time, you’ll eventually discover several levels of information”.
Ingerid gives him a serious and doubtful look.
“Don’t look at it that way”, Per responds in a playful way pushing her shoulder lightly.
“See it as an exciting Universe that you’re about to discover. Find the adventurous part of yourself, the one that is full of curiosity and eagerness. The one that dives deep into the ocean looking for gold and diamonds”, Per says with a theatrical voice totally in line with the pictures that are adorning the wall behind him.
Ingerid laughs and feels relieved by his humour and his knowledge of the path ahead of her.

“What got you into meditation?”, Ingerid asks curiously as the waitress arrives with two large cups of hot chocolate garnished with freshly whipped cream.
“Mmmm….”, Per replies and looks at the tempting cup in front of him. He takes a sip of the cocoa and with a cream-mustache he says playfully:
“Now, let me tell you….”
His comedic voice and silliness makes them both giggle.
“Sorry, I can’t seem to be serious for longer periods at a time”, Per replies and laughs apologetically.
But then he seems to take her question into deeper consideration. He pauses for a moment as his face melts into honesty. Then he starts his story:

“Some time ago, my dad died”, he begins gently.
Ingerid looks at him with sad and compassionate eyes.
“No, it wasn’t that sad. Or… The actual sad part about it was that I didn’t feel a big sorrow. I didn’t mourn his loss”, he adds.
“One is supposed to feel sadness and grief when a family member dies, right? But I didn’t feel it. It almost felt like it could’ve been just anybody who died” he says and halts for a moment to think.
“You weren’t close to each other?”, Ingerid asks carefully and a little afraid that this conversation might end in tears. She turns around and lets out a slight sigh of relief when she sees that the coffee shop isn’t filled with a lot of people in case of an embarrassing scene.

“We were both close and not close at the same time. I mean…. I think we had a pretty normal relationship. I saw him probably four or five times a year and we talked a little every time… But he was never the talkative guy. He never asked any questions. I think he might have been a little afraid to ask about something that could potentially upset me. And then I think he was never able to accept my sexuality. It alienated me I guess”, Per says thoughtfully like he’s still trying to figure it out and understand him.

Ingerid gives him a warm smile and nods. He looks up at her, returns the smile and looks down again. After a short silence he continues.
“Anyhow. That’s what caused me to get in touch with a therapist who recommended meditation. Since then I’ve taken several meditation workshops. In the beginning I did it mostly to try and understand my dad. Then I did it to try to understand myself. But then after a while I felt like words became redundant and that an inner peace was revealing itself instead. I realized that I could dig deeper and deeper in an attempt to try to understand, but that the digging could go on forever, giving me different approaches and answers every time. With that realization, an answer appeared. I could search if I wanted to for words that would give me some sort of answer, but it would never quench the thirst inside. Because what I was really searching for was deeper than words”, he says ending the story with a warm smile.

Ingerid doesn’t know what to say. Silence takes the space instead and lets his words sink in. They sit in silence for a little while before Ingerid feels an uncomfortable restlessness. She isn’t quite sure she understands the point of his story.
“What is about this peace that you keep referring to?” she asks a little confused and puzzled.
“Oh, if you haven’t felt it, I cannot explain. It has to be experienced”, Per says softly with compassion.
“By the way: There’s something you should know that they didn’t talk about at the workshop. There are two kinds of experiences of silence. One could be described as cold. As if time has frozen to ice. This silence or stillness is often referred to as shock. Out of body experience. As if disappearing into a black hole that sucks all life into itself. Emptiness without life if you’d like”, he says and inhales as if preparing for an attack or trying to defend himself from something unknown.

“Then there’s the other experience of silence which is warm. Ever expanding and full. Like a mother’s warm embrace. Nurturing. A stillness that feels good throughout your entire body and that makes you want to stay in it forever. Like an alive presence”, Per explains while looking like he’s enjoying a warm hug with every word he shares. He then takes a closer look at Ingerid’s face to see if she’s following.
“If you’re uncertain whether you’re moving in the right direction, there’s a simple technique that’ll point you straight back. It’s simply smiling”, he says and laughs while reaching out his hand towards the waitress in order to ask for the bill.

“I think I got a little taste of that at the workshop we went to”, Ingerid says with a slight uncertainty.
“I felt this enormous silence filling the room for at least a few seconds”, she continuous.
“Well, then you’re on your way”, Per replies and smiles.
“When you’ve first had a taste of it, the thirst for more will drive you onwards”, he adds while wiping his mouth with a napkin after a huge mouthful of the hot chocolate which is now starting to get cold.
“Drive me towards what?”, Ingerid asks puzzled.
“Nobody knows”, he replies with a huge smile and a wink.
“I’m going to a concert tonight with some friends. Do you want to come?”, he asks while paying the bill on the table.
“Yes, I’d love to”, Ingerid replies remembering the plans she originally had with Sara and Silje. Those plans are definitely out the window after what happened in the cantina earlier, so she might as well do something different.
“Who’s playing?”, she asks curiously while putting on her coat.
“Deva Premal & Miten” he says on his way out of the coffee shop.
She gives him that puzzled look again.
“They do old Indian mantras in a modern way… It’s sort of hard to explain. Again, you’ll  just have to experience it for yourself”, he says smilingly and laughs.
“Ok, I’m in!”, Ingerid replies with a big smile and gives him a long warm hug. They linger in each others arms for a while. Ingerid feels like she’s starting to appreciate these long hugs more and more. It’s like giving a little extra time to each other in order to really feel the warmth and the good feelings between them.
“So, I’ll see you at the Logen Teater at 8pm then” he says warmly and walks back to his enchanted flower shop.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

11 Jan

Page 43-45: An Ocean of Possibilities

count

Chapter 7
“Hi, you’ve reached Per Hallsteinsgjerde. How can I help you today?”
Per’s voice is light and happy when he answers the phone and soothes Ingerid’s ears like balm on dry skin.
“Hi Per. It’s Ingerid from the workshop”, Ingerid says with the phone tightly squeezed to her chin.
“Hiiii Ingerid! How are you doing?”, Per answers lingering on the “i” as if hugging it while smiling widely. Ingerid feels the warmth spread throughout her entire body and it almost makes her swell up in tears again. What’s happening to her these days? The mood shifts go up and down as if she was entering menopause or something.
“I need to talk to someone who might understand what I’m going through”, Ingerid replies barely able to restrain herself from crying.
“Aaawh…” Per says with a compassionate tone.
“Meet me at the flower shop, and we’ll go and grab a coffee somewhere”, he continues.

Per’s flowershop is located on a side street to Torgalmenningen in Bergen. The façade of the building is decorated in a French countryside style with ornaments carved out of grey concrete. A few worn out wooden boxes with beautiful pink hydrangeas and purple lavender perks up the pavement and entices customer to enter into his fairytale flower boutique.
Ingerid walks up to the door but hesitates to enter. Per sees her through the window and responds with a few hand gestures signalizing he’ll be right outside. The rain is pouring down as it often does in Bergen. While waiting Ingerid tightens the mustard coloured scarf around her neck and kicks her legs together to avoid freezing too much in the cold fall weather.
Per exits the shop and quickly slips under her umbrella with a firm grip around her waist and says:
“Come! Let’s go somewhere and grab a nice hot chocolate. We have to indulge a little to endure this weather!”
His voice is light and warm. A lightness in contrast to the heaviness she feels inside, which is exactly what she needs right now. Someone who can stand outside of her dark bubble, lift her up and push her forward into the light. Even though she doesn’t know him that much, he seems like the right person to do just that. So far he hasn’t disappointed.

Per looks at her underneath the umbrella with a warm smile and squeezes her even closer to his body several times on their short walk to the coffee shop. The most wonderful thing about Per, is that she knows that all his warmth and love towards her is simply unconditional kindness and nothing more. If he’d been heterosexual she probably would’ve gotten suspicious and analysed his body language with a negative connotation. Knowing that he’s gay makes it easier for both of them to relax and shower each other with full support and loving kindness. Or more accurately, it makes it easier for Per to shower Ingerid and for Ingerid to receive. There’s not so much showering going on the other direction yet, but Per doesn’t seem to mind. He’s shining with a carefree life energy that seems to effortlessly exude out of him.

“I wish I could be just as relaxed and joyous as you are”, Ingerid admits to Per underneath the umbrella.
“You are going to soon, Sweetie. It only takes a little effort everyday. If you look at your brain as a muscle, you’ll see that it simply takes a little bit of exercise, time and compassion. And don’t forget, you’re on your way already! A: You’ve just recently discovered that it’s a muscle, and B: you’ve just learned a few exercises. With a little training, you’ll see the fog lifting a little bit day by day”, Per explains as if he was her fitness instructor.
Ingerid knows he’s referring to the exercises from the workshop they went to, but nevertheless she still finds it slightly difficult and abstract.
“I’m not so sure if I’m that good at it. What if I continue the way I’m doing right now, which might be wrong, and then it doesn’t work at all. How do I know that I’m doing it right? How do I know it’ll work?” Ingerid asks with frustration hidden behind every word.
“As long as you’re doing the first task which is to simply return to focusing on your breath, you’ll eventually discover you’ll be able to maintain the focus for longer and longer periods at a time, until the concept of time disappears entirely. That might be the first evidence. Other things you’ll perhaps start to notice is that you might become aware of a consciousness in the background. Especially if you find yourself in a situation that pushes you to the limit. All of a sudden you may experience a new insight, a voice, a vision of a new direction or choice of reaction in that moment”, Per explains further while opening the door for her to the coffee shop “Barfot”.

Ingerid shakes the umbrella, stamps her feet on the floor mat, loosens her scarf and takes off her woollen hat in the little entry hall. The coffee shop and restaurant is warmly decorated with beige leather benches and terracotta colored brick walls. A few sharp looking bar stools in black leather and metal up against the worn out brick wall gives a hip and urban feel to the place reminiscent of New York. They walk towards an empty leather bench and take their coats off.
“What did you mean by the last thing you just said outdoors?”, Ingerid asks redirecting the conversation back to the topic that seems to incessantly pop up like an emergency alarm authoritatively demanding attention.
“The stuff about the awareness of a consciousness in the background when you’re pushed to the limit?”, he asks rhetorically.
Ingerid nods and gets into a comfortable position on the soft leather bench. Per sits down on the other side just across from her, orders two hot chocolates from the waitress and continues.

“Let’s say that a person accuses you for having done something you didn’t do. The usual way to react might be to speak up and defend yourself with all kinds of arguments and reasons. What you might discover after a while is that in the tiny fraction of a second right before you’re about to launch into your defence, you might see a sudden opening of opportunities. Like several choices spread out in front of you. At that moment, defending yourself with arguments isn’t any longer the only way to act. You can either react from autopilot or try something new. Suddenly you discover other ways of looking at the situation. Other ways to express your opinion. Other ways to express your voice, your body language. Other words and sentences. Other angles. Other perspectives. And in that moment, you have a choice. A selection of different approaches that enables different outcomes. And in that very moment you might be able to capture the cause and effect of every choice like visions of parallel futures. That’s when you have the real power of choice. In that golden moment, you’ll see which outcome you’d like to create from the situation at hand, and then choose the action from your enhanced vision that will most likely produce that result.”

Per examines Ingerid’s face thoroughly to see if she’s following. She nods, but not convincingly.
”When I was a little boy, I had a short temper and would easily blow up like an angry bull over simple stuff”, Per continues slightly laughing as he remembers a few incidents.
“At the time, my mother would always tell me to try to count to ten next time someone would bully me”, he says with eagerness and a light boyish smile.
“Wrapped in this little advice is the very essence I’m pointing at. Try to pay attention next time you find yourself in a situation where you would normally automatically react the way you’ve always done, and see if you’re able to stop and wait a few seconds… Just wait…”, he says and inhales loudly before he continues.
“…and see if there’s another way to respond to the situation”, he concludes and exhales with equal intensity.

…to be continued…

Jenny Lane

09 Jan

Page 40-42: Heated Game

cheerleaders

The boys are already out in the field warming up when the girls arrive. Sara waves to Per Olav who runs towards them as soon as he sees them.
“Did you get something nice to wear?”, he asks while smiling widely visibly happy to see them.
“Yes, we did!”, they all answer with excitement.
“Is there a locker room where we can change?”, Sara asks.
“You can probably use ours since we’re all finished and warming up already”, he says and points to the building next to the field.

The girls run over and storm through the door giggling with anticipation. With all the eagerness going on, they open the wrong door and find themselves face to face with half dressed med-students. With young and ripped bodies glowing like bright sunrays in their eyes, they quickly shut their eyes with embarrassment.
“Oops, sorry”, Sara stutter and closes the door almost as quickly as she opened it before all of the boys manage to turn around in response.

They walk over to the other locker-room nervously laughing and whispering about how HOT they thought the boys were. They lock the door to the locker-room in case some of the boys are pondering revenge. The worn down wooden benches are covered by men’s clothing. Half open bags and shoes are spread around everywhere on the floor. In order to make some room they need to push away the guy’s clothes while trying to figure out which item belongs to whom. They almost turn it into a competition by holding up one sweater after the other. After a few rounds they go even further into investigating by smelling the clothes to see if they can recognize the scent. Excitement rises higher and higher and by the time they’re finally ready to change into their own outfits they have long forgotten the boys in the other locker-room next door. They chat and giggle while they change into their new outfits oblivious to some of the boys peeking through the shower area. When they’re half naked in their tiny panties ready to slip into their new costumes, one of the boys gets pushed into the room. Roaring laughter echoes through the shower and fills the whole locker-room. The girls panic and try to cover themselves up by grabbing a few pieces. Embarrassed and startled, Silje orders them to leave the locker-room with an angry voice completely lacking of authority. The boys respond by mocking her voice and laughing even harder.
“You’re so childish!”, she adds while hurrying to get dressed.

When the havoc settles, the girls hurdle up again. The mood has changed into a more sober state with hurtful feelings shining through their eyes. Determined to turn the situation around, they chat about how they can use this incident to give them an advantage in breaking the guys’ concentration level out on the field later. Since some of the boys have already seen too much, they agree to push the flirty-boundaries a little further.

The girls run towards the soccer field in their sporty sexy cheerleader outfits. They look like they are taken straight out of a music video. They’re all about the same height with long blond hair nicely tied into cute ponytails. With matching clothes, shoes, big sunglasses and thick coats of lipgloss, they appear very glamorous and sexy. Several of the boys from both teams stop and stare when they see them coming closer. The girls shine brightly with pride and confidence as they wiggle their hips and shake their pompons. Per Olav and Petter whistle loudly and clap eagerly when they finish their little song and dance routine. One can almost touch their pride as they’re gazing over at the med-guys with clever devilish eyes. The game is on!

The girls take it up a notch, wildly enjoying their cheerleader role throughout the whole game by flirting with the boys on both teams at once. They lack nothing when it comes to attention and flatter as they walk and dance back and forth like sweet tempting candy in a candystore. Well protected by the daylight and the game at stake, they go all out with sensuality and play the boys up against each other. But the flirting turns into fiery desire which then turns into rugged jealousy. It slowly morphs into a battle between animosity and protection. The soccer game increases in intensity as the competition instinctively builds up more and more anger. Tension rises higher and higher with every close encounter, touch and muscle flexed. The adrenalin and testosterone skyrockets when one of the med-students throws a dirty comment at Per Olav’s face.
“You can keep those damn hookers to yourselves!”

“What did you say?”, Per Olav replies with red hot anger and jumps on him like a fired up bull. He pushes his shoulders with such force that the thin med-student falls to the ground. Several teammates get aggravated by the forceful movement and throw themselves into the fight. Before anyone manages to rationalize the situation, a huge fight evolves between the two teams. The judge feverishly blows his whistle but to no avail. The boys are already lost in bloodlust even though some are trying to hinder others. The field turns into a chaotic bloodbath as the girls withdraw to the sidelines in shock. Eventually some of the guys manage to separate the key fights enough to calm down the spirits.

Several boys are afflicted with bloody noses. With paper towels in their dirty hands they resentfully eye each other as they walk towards the locker rooms. The mood is as intense as a war zone with hostile gazes everywhere. Sara tries to break the ice by talking to Per Olav.
“Are you ok?”, she asks while carefully searching to meet his eyes that are fixed onto the red paper between his hands.
“Yeah sure”, he replies and wipes away some blood from his nose.
“What happened? Did someone do something? Or was it something that was said?”, she asks calmly with a soft voice.
Per Olav meets her eyes, but quickly looks away again.
“Just some stupid comment that I should’ve ignored”, he replies with disgust.

The intense silence that follows tells her not to ask any further questions about the incident. A few seconds go by without her daring to break his dark haze of anger. Sara slows down and starts to move away when he eventually breaks the spell on his own.

“We can’t let this ruin the party mood we had going! Let’s go grab a beer somewhere. You girls can stay dressed like that, can’t you? The guys and I are just going to take a quick shower and then we’ll be on our way”, he says loudly while nodding towards his teammates close by.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

22 Dec

Page 37-39: Playing with Fire

stockings

Chapter 6
Elise wakes up a little disoriented until she discovers Per Olav beside her and slowly starts to remember the night before. She remains in bed staring at the ceiling while researching her own mind for pieces of the puzzle that might fill in the blanks and give her the full picture. But she’s only remembering bits and pieces flashing like a movie trailer before her eyes. She’s not given much time to recapture what happened when all of a sudden she feels warm kisses along her arm and shoulder. Turning to the side a little startled she meets an intense sensual gaze from Per Olav.

“Hello there!”, he says with a slightly childish voice as he leans in a little further to continue kissing his way around her shoulders towards her breasts.
“Hi”, Elise replies a little uncertain whether to reciprocate or not. In this sobering state, the attraction doesn’t have the same grip on her as the previous evening. But what is she supposed to do? Get out of bed and simply leave? The girls had agreed to stay for a full weekend, and she doesn’t want to stir up any bad vibes in the house. Besides, the decision was already taken yesterday when they consumed each other with intense passionate lust. To do it again couldn’t possibly hurt anyone, she argues while turning around wiggling her bottom towards his stiff manhood. Being a little ahead of her in the game, he responds swiftly by pushing his way in through the door which is only slightly ajar. He forcefully enters her. The sensation is like skin rubbing against sandpaper. She squeezes her lips tightly together to keep a scream from bursting out. Fortunately he doesn’t’ have to push more than four times before the door opens wide and lets him in with ease. Blinded by lust he carries on in a frantic pace while holding one hand on her hip and the other on her head pulling and jerking her body back and forth like a wash rag. She moans pretending to enjoy it even though she feels really confused and hurt. A few seconds earlier she had been lying quietly in bed staring at the ceiling, and now she’s like a teddy bear shaken to pieces. But it’s too late to get out of this now, she concludes.
“The damage is already done, so all I can do is just enjoy what’s left”, she tells herself while trying to control her emotions and steer her focus down into the wetness. However, she can’t stand the thought of looking into his face so she decides to increase the tempo of her hips instead. He responds immediately and reaches his climax a few seconds later. Then he rolls away onto his back while letting out a sigh of satisfaction unaware of what’s going through Elise’s mind. Sad and lonely, Elise curls up in a fetal position. Finally finished, she thinks as a burning sensation lingers between her legs.

Sara and Silje are fumbling in the kitchen frantically looking through the cupboards. They want to put some nice plates and glasses on the kitchen table in order to make a cozy “morning-after” breakfast. A few boys are still lounging more or less asleep on the couches around the living room. The two girls tiptoe around while giggling and whispering fresh morning gossip.

Elise shakes off the uneasy feelings from the morning episode with Per Olav and puts on a mask of giggly sweetness to join the girls in their game.
“Good morning!”, she says nonchalantly with a smirk which they all know what signifies.
“Aaaah!”, Sara exclaims pointing at her with the same smirk.
She nearly runs over to her to give her a hug.
“How was it?”, Silje asks with a low, whispering voice while scowling over at the couches with the sleeping boys.
“Hot n’ Sexy!”, she replies triumphantly and laughs. They hurdle together in quiet whispers and giggles as Per Olav enters the kitchen in a pair of casual sweatpants and a t-shirt.
“What are you girls laughing at?”, he asks curiously.
“Nothing!”, Elise answers seeking agreement from Sara and Silje who shake their heads affirmatively along with wide innocent smiles.
Per Olav replies with a “I-know-you’re-hiding-something” smile and walks over to the couches to wake up the boys. Full of inflated confidence and reckless playfulness he decides to wake them up in brutal way. He fetches his iPhone from the sweatpants, turns the volume up to a maximum on the speakers in the living room, finds the intended song on Spotify and pushes PLAY. Out of the silence roars Skrillex’s “Kyoto” making the boys jump off the couches.
“What the fuck!”, one of his buddies shouts out in anger and irritation.
Per Olav laughs crudely and turns around to check the temperature on the “tough-guy-thermometer”. The girls’ bodies shake with laughter as they lean back and forth slapping their hands on their thighs and bellies. Ten out of ten, Per Olav concludes proudly and continues joking with the boys.

“Are you coming with us to Tullinløkka today? We could use a few cheerleaders for a game against the Med-students today”, Per Olav asks looking over at the girls while giving Petter a slight bump in his shoulder.
“Yeah, show up with tassels and the whole chabang! It would be awesome if you’re able to distract the Med-guys!”, Petter ads with huge enthusiasm.
“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll be able to stir their pots! Don’t you agree, ladies?!”, Sara says while nodding towards the girls who quickly confirm.
Outside the sun is shining which gives the crisp late summer weather a warm boost.
“We just have to make a short shopping trip first in order to buy matching miniskirts and tops”, Silje ads while winking at Petter.
“Awesome!”, Petter replies with an investigative smirk. It’s obvious he’s already fantazising about how hot these three beautiful women are going to look in cheerleading costumes.

The girls manage to find their outfits after a quick trip through a few shops. They choose a tight white tank top with a black pushup bra’s slightly visible through the sheer fabric. Underneath they’re wearing a short black tennis skirt with black and white striped stockings that cover their legs, followed by black knee-high socks that add a slight edge to their outfit. They top it off with high healed black and white Nike Dunk shoes. To make the costume complete, they find white Pom Pons for shaking and tossing around with their hands. To keep warm during the game, they buy ingredients to make Appletini.
Satisfied by their purchases and filled with excitement they start brainstorming about plans to distract the Med-guys. With bubbling anticipation about their new hunting-ground, they quickly figure out which subway to take in order to take them to “Tullinløkka”.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

 

19 Dec

Page 34-36: Seeing the world from a new perspective

The weekend goes by quicker than Ingerid had anticipated. She realises there were other reasons to why she had attended the workshop than what was understood at first glance. An immense gratitude for daring to take a leap of faith and journey into this unknown territory filled with new people, new thoughts and new activities, infuses every cell in her being. A feeling that makes itself apparent to all of the attendees especially at the last session when they’re asked to describe what they’re grateful for. Tears of joy and gratitude run down their cheeks until there’s nearly not a dry eye left in the room. Even Karoline, Kjetil and Sigvart are moved.

Love and gratitude. Two very powerful emotions which everyone in the group agrees to dedicate more space to in their daily lives. A group of strangers that didn’t know each other on Friday have during this weekend formed strong bonds which make them feel like they’ve known each other for years.
When Ingerid grabs hold of Per to wish him good luck on his road onwards, a particularly warm feeling arises in her belly. Per’s eyes softens as he throws his arms around her in a warm hug. He then grabs her shoulders, looks her deeply into the eyes as to touch the depth of her soul and says:
“We’ll keep in touch, Ingerid!”.
The words come out with an underlying mixture of promise and command. Ingerid smiles while two teardrops run down her naked cheeks.
“Yes”, she utters barely heard through the sobs.
He squeezes her tightly again and holds her until the crying stops. A calm feeling descends upon her as she leans her whole body into his, her head resting on his strong shoulder.

They remain in the same position for a long time. Probably five or ten minutes, which would normally be considered an outrages amount of time for one hug, but they don’t seem to care at the moment. They know that everyone around them appreciates the warm and loving silence. What anybody else thinks about their hug, whether they think it’s lasting too long or being too intimate, doesn’t really matter right now. What matters to both of them is the gratefulness they both feel in sharing this special moment with someone who understands and is open to sharing feelings without words or descriptions. With someone who is able to stand and hold the space for another in need until the wave of emotion have rushed in and left again with a peaceful warmth in its wake.

The trip over the mountains back to Bergen gives Ingerid a little breathing space to work through the experiences over the past weekend. The wind grabs hold of her motorcycle clothes and shakes her soul like a laundry machine. It reminds her of the meditation exercises where she constantly had to shake off the thoughts in order to refocus on the breath. Her senses seem to have become sharper during the course of the weekend. All of a sudden she appreciates more than ever the high mountains in the background and the beautiful wildflowers in the foreground that dares to grow forth in the most vulnerable of all places.

The Ducati glides steadily through the winding landscape. Effortlessly climbing up mountains and easing down valleys. When the bike reaches the summit of a mountain the magnificent landscape of “Jotunheimen” opens up with a 360 degree view. Ingerid takes her hand off the steering and raises her back to take in the full scope of what’s ahead. Breathtaking beauty is beaming at her from all angles. In the absence of her right hand on the throttle, the motorcycle slows down accompanied by the recognisable hissing sound from the exhaust pipe notifying her to take a break like a trusted companion. She sees a viewing spot just off the road and decides to stop. She climbs off the bike with her eyes fixed on the horizon. Just across the parking spot a huge rock stands out. It seems to be the perfect resting bench. She fetches an apple from her pocket which she grabbed on her way out of the lodge and eats it while enjoying the view and the silence.

But the inner peace doesn’t last long. A desire works its way up to the surface. A longing of wanting to share the experience with someone. How is she going to tell her friends about the experiences this weekend? Would they be able to understand? Were there any simple ways to explain it to them? Or maybe she should just keep it a secret? Would they recognise that something had changed? Had she changed? Or maybe she would just glide back into the same daily habits of days filled with lectures, studying and partying?
A shiver runs down her spine. Her old life all of a sudden seems so empty and unfulfilling. Meaningless.

She stares out into the open sky and to the mountaintops that peaks like soft waves on the horizon. Her gaze rests into the wide landscape like an all-seeing eye. Seeing everything and nothing at once.
But the silence doesn’t feel warm and open like it did in the lodge. It feels rather cold and stiff. A noticeably change in nuance.
Then thoughts bursts forward along with the truck she hears approaching from afar.
“What now? What will happen to the plans she had for her future? What is she going to do? Where is she going to go? What is going to become of her?”

The feeling of fear grows further as the truck grows closer and closer until a crescendo of black heavy diesel fog fills the air and forces her to take refuge at a higher ground.
When the darkness disappears and air settles, she returns to her bike. “All I know”, she says sighing, “is what I don’t want to do”.
She doesn’t want to study law anymore, and she doesn’t want to become a lawyer. And with an inexplicable sadness she gets back on the bike and speeds through the mountains to confront her life at Dragon Mountain in Bergen.

Ingerid walks with heavy footsteps towards the cantina to meet her friends. Sara and Silje are visible from far away. They sit nonchalantly nearly laying across the table, laughing and discussing with loud voices. The bright light from the large panoramic windows behind them nearly blinds her as she approaches. Even though she’s physically close to her friends, the distance between them feels uncomfortably far.

“How was the weekend workshop? Was it good? How did it feel to get to know “the loosers?”, Sara asks while giggling ironically and looking at Silje for support.
It’s obvious they’ve been talking about how silly they think the workshop seemed. Ingerid feels irritated by their prejudice and hurt by them talking behind her back. Without much thought she blurts out:
“It actually gave me a lot! You might think you know the answer to everything, but maybe you haven’t looked at yourselves much in order to know if you’re really doing as well as you think you are. I don’t believe the happy façade you’re trying to maintain at all times. It’s fake! You probably have a few ghosts in your closet too that you might not want to reveal! Or that you might not even be honest enough to even know of!”, Ingerid argues with a sharp tone hard enough to cut through steel.
The ambience quickly changes from sunny skies to thunderous clouds.

“Have you completely lost it?”, Sara replies and nods towards Silje as she gets up. They both give her a disgusted look over their right shoulder as they walk away from the table. Ingerid is left alone.

Surprised looks and harsh glances surround her from all angles like stabs of hostile malaise. Social borders have been crossed leading them to protect their territory with utmost ferocity, treating her like an outcast of the pack. Not a single person approaches her with sympathy or compassion. Not a single person gives her a friendly smile. Not a single person dares wants or knows how to react differently than the others, and she knows now that she’s alone. Utterly alone at a crossroad of unknown futures.

Ingerid grabs her bag and walks to the study hall. Tears well up from inside as her body boils over with emotions of anger, betrayal and shame. With a sunken face she walks towards the space she has partially claimed as hers throughout the whole semester. She takes one law-book after the other down from the shelf above the desk and drops it into her bag. They fall like heavy bricks on top of each other. She doesn’t bother to stack them neatly. She just wants to get away as soon as possible in order to avoid even more confrontations or dramatic humiliations.

Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth shut? Why did she have to provoke others to the extent of becoming an outcast? Why did she have to put herself in a position of being wrong as others thought they were right? Had she been exposed to a form of brainwashing that she wasn’t even aware of? Maybe something was wrong with her after all?

Shameful and embarrassed she leaves Dragon Mountain as if she had been stoned and tortured. Confused and lonely she knows of only one safe haven to go. Her own little apartment which awaits her like a mother with open arms. She hurries in, closes the door and throws herself on the bed filled with soft pillows ready to receive her cries and muffle them into silence.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

New_Vision

14 Dec

Page 30-33

Chapter 5
Ingerid reacts with mixed emotions towards being in silence. The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s going to be hard, but then she looks around and is reminded of being surrounded by strangers. It might not be such a bad idea after all. At least she doesn’t have to go through awkward moments where two strangers meet and have nothing to say to each other.

She puts on a jacket and walks out. At the end of the property she discovers a forest trail leading up to a gravel road. She decides to go for a walk to air out the thoughts that keeps spinning in her head. As she carefully keeps her eyes on the path underneath her feet, she ponders the reason she impulsively shared about her intention to attend this weekend workshop. She hadn’t spoken of her first intention of getting to know disadvantaged people who might need her help in the future. On the other hand, it didn’t actually look like the people in the group were neither disadvantaged nor in a situation where they needed her help. It probably would’ve been embarrassing to admit that intention. Thank goodness she came up with a different answer, she thinks while shaking her head at those previously arrogant thoughts. The strange thing that seems to grind around in her head is that the answer she ended up sharing actually seems truer. As if truth got pulled out of her through the spotlight and in the presence of the others.

Ingerid kicks a couple of rocks on the gravel road and follows the stones with her eyes as they land a few feet in front of her. As she raises her eyes she discovers another woman walking down the road. She turns around and discovers another person walking a few feet behind her self as well. She giggles. Seeing the situation from a different perspective through a “newspaper headline technique” it would read: “Newsflash: City-people walking in silence along a dusty gravel road in the middle of nowhere.”
The lifestyle they usually live mixed with the scenery that surrounds them at the moment creates an odd contrast. Add to that image a few large heads filled with ideas, concepts, thoughts and questions up against a magnificent silent nature, and you’ll have another big contrast. It would make for an interesting painting with shades of humour, sadness, seriousness, depth and beauty. A reflection of the society we live in and the complexity that seems to take up all space in a human’s mind with little openness left to revel in nature’s grandeur.

Ingerid feels a sense of calm slowly sinking in. During the workshop sessions in the lodge, she still feels her head filled with thoughts and activities. She realises how difficult it is to just be really quiet and only pay attention to her breath. Kjetil gives them instructions on how to sit quietly and be aware of their own breathing. Simply breathing. He explains how thoughts come and go, and how one can learn to observe without engaging.
The Buddhist monks often refer to thoughts as “crazy monkeys” because they’re jumping from one thing to the next, sometimes while screaming and yelling with dramatic imaginary scenes to draw your attention” Kjetil explains with a calm and pleasant voice before he guides them into silence.

Ingerid is puzzled by the difficulty of accomplishing the exercise. It sounds so easy, yet she finds it very challenging to do. As far as she knows, she hasn’t been able to keep her attention on breathing for more than one or two inhales and exhales before a thought comes in and drags her attention into its own universe. Thoughts like “what are they going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of the weekend? Dinner that evening consisted of lentils stew, green salad, homemade bread and vegetable juice. Nothing at all like the food and drink she was used to having at home…”

Then she remembers the task at hand, and tries to clear her head and concentrate on her breathing once again. Three exhales later, new thoughts sneak in. This time it’s about her body. A little pain in the leg from the slightly uncomfortable sitting position has alarmed her, and she wonders if she can move. Her body isn’t used to sitting cross-legged and it feels neither natural nor pleasant. She wants to open her eyes to see how the others are positioned, but decides against it.
“What if she meets Kjetil’s gaze and gets caught in action, abandoning the task at hand?”, she thinks with a slight sense of fear.

Again she realises that her thoughts have gotten her attention and remembers the task at hand. She inhales deeply and exhales with a slow steady breath. Breathing in and breathing out…
“Is she breathing too loud maybe? Are the others getting disturbed by the sound? Or are they breathing just as loud?”
She holds her breath for a few seconds trying to listen to the others. And while she senses the consciousness wander out of her body towards the others and the room as a whole, she simultaneously feels a deep palpable silence. She tries to hold her breath for a little longer to stay in the sensation. It feels like time has stopped.
The sound of the others breathing is like gusts of wind through a meadow reminding her of the same stillness that surrounds a sleeping new born baby. It’s like….

There she goes again. Enganging with her thoughts. A little irritated but also relieved by getting a glimpse of something different, she returns to the assignment. The stillness and a sense of time being stopped is now dangling in front of her like a carrot, encouraging her to keep going. She wonders if she can evoke that same sensation again, and starts doing the same thing that enabled it last time. Breath in…. breath out…. breath in…. Breath out… breath in…. Breath out…. And hold the breath….
“Yes, there it is again!”, she thinks excitedly.
“Is this the same experience that Kjetil had when he first arrived at the monastery? What makes a young man want to go to a monastery?”, she thinks and imagines Kjetil as a young, frustrated man.

But before she’s able to indulge the thought further in her imagination, she’s being interrupted by a soft tone from a brass bowl. After three long tones, Kjetil explains with a calm voice that the session is over and that they’re due back tomorrow morning at 7am. Before he lets them out of the room, he goes on to remind them of respecting each others silent introspection.

Not a word is uttered amongst them.
Ingerid suddenly feels an urge to talk to someone. She wishes she knew what the others had experienced. Did they have similar challenges? Similar thoughts? Did they find it hard to keep from engaging with their thoughts too? Did they discover that it was easier to experience silence by holding their breath? Had they sensed a deep calm too? How was this exercise to them? What was their experience? Maybe they had a completely different experience? Maybe she hadn’t done the task correctly? Maybe she had missed something? Maybe she had misunderstood something?

She gazes at the others trying to look for an indication of cohesion. A communion. But everyone looks down. Everyone is absorbed by their own thoughts. Everyone seems to be respecting each others distance and only briefly engaging through eye contact if needed when surpassing one another in staircases and hallways. The situation is starting to feel more and more absurd, and Ingerid senses a frustration building up inside.
“Why can’t they be able to talk to each other? What can possibly be wrong with that? These rules are really sick! This is just stupid”, she thinks while frowning as she’s walks up the stairs.
What is she doing here anyways? The reason she came was to understand the less fortunate in order to become a better lawyer in the future. And does what they’re doing at the moment have anything to do with that? Maybe she should just pack her bags and leave. This probably leads nowhere. What could she possibly get out of this workshop if they’re just supposed to sit quietly by themselves for the whole weekend? She isn’t even able to follow the simple task anyways, so this must be something she’s really bad at. Maybe the other ones are able to follow it to a tee and thinks it’s really easy to concentrate and focus only on their breath. Maybe she’s the only one who thinks this is hard?
”This probably isn’t for me”, she thinks and walks towards the bedroom ready to pack her things and leave tomorrow morning.

As she opens the door to the room, she’s met by a friendly smile from one of the women in the group who is taking clothes out of her bag. The woman finds a notepad and writes LINE. She turns the paper 180 degrees towards Ingerid while giggling and pointing at herself. Ingerid smiles and with her mouth shapes “hi” without making a sound. She then writes her own name on the same page and shows it to Line who returns the smile. They stand there for a few seconds as frozen in a space of kindness, compassion and understanding. The desire to start a conversation is intensely present, but they both know the rules and neither dare to break them out of respect for one another. Line brings her hands together in front of her chest and bows while lowering her gaze. Ingerid returns the gesture and slowly backs out of the room with a warm smile.

There it was. The sensation she realised she’d been missing. The simple feeling of belonging through a connection and understanding with some of the other members of the group.
She peacefully walks down the stairs to the cosy living room and sits down next to a few women by the fireplace. With relaxed eyes gazing into the fire, they enjoy a cup of tea in silence together. And without even realising it, Ingerid’s thoughts about leaving the next morning has left just as easily and swiftly as they came. At least for now.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

meditation

 

08 Dec

Page 29: One-night stand?

Elise wonders if she can go through with it. She knows she’s been drinking too much, but that it’s implicated that she has to do it. On the other hand, she’s never had sex with someone she doesn’t really know. She hasn’t even had a one-night stand with anybody before. Still she feels a craving mixed together with the drowsiness from the alcohol surging through her veins. Her emotions for him are already way beyond normal, especially for a boy she hardly knows. Desire has already made its appearance along with Mr. Lust who has sent out his liquid soldiers to conquer her crotch and mouth. Deep kisses are getting wetter and bodies are getting more and more aroused as their tongues sling and intertwine with fiery passion. As his hand slips underneath her blouse and unties her bra, she feels her judgment slowly disappear. It’s as if the thoughts about what she should and shouldn’t do oozes out of her like smoke from a chimney. Her attention is completely absorbed by the fire below.

He gently caresses her nipples as he continues to kiss her deeply. She moans and feels the resistance melt away like ice cream on a hot day. He cups and squeezes her breast with his strong male hand to a point where whatever is left of rational thoughts within her disperses into thin air. Her body quivers with desire as she sways back and forth while raising her chest upwards. He interprets the signals from her body quickly and lifts her blouse over her head.
Surprised by her own willingness to go all the way, she barely manages to pull forth one last defence from the fortress underneath.
“Apparently I don’t need to know the boy well either before having sex with him”, she thinks triumphantly. A sense of competition starts to arise as an invisible wall emerges within her. She feels confident she’s able to beat the boys once again.
“Game on,” she thinks and pulls down his zipper while caressing his skin playfully before she slowly bends down and wraps her soft lips around his stiff manhood.

…. to be continued…

Jenny Lane