19 Feb

Page 53: Reason and Doubt

rainyday

Ingerid walks home in the pouring rain with a lingering warmth from the conversation with Per. Still, she doesn’t know exactly what to do or where to go. She’s pondering whether to go back to the reading hall or home and read or just plainly take a day off and do something completely different. The typical thing for her to do would be to make the most responsible choice. A slight uneasiness in her throat is crawling in just thinking about taking a day off. The time schedule at the University is pretty tight when it comes to how many pages one should read per day, and she knows it’s hard to recoup if one starts to fall behind.

The rain comes down heavily on her umbrella as she’s debating with herself weighing the arguments for and against. Every statement is reasoned from an angle of responsibility. Duty, duty, duty she concludes and sighs. A voice lent to her from her parents and teachers for many years.
“What if everyone just did what they felt like doing? It would turn into complete chaos. Everyone has to do things that they don’t feel like doing”, the voices of the past reminds her.

“But are those statements really true? Would it really be a complete chaos? Maybe there wouldn’t be any chaos at all but rather more joy and happiness in the world?”, she argues with herself.
Every day all over the world someone wants to do something different from what they’re currently doing A janitor wants to be a doctor, a doctor feels in his heart to be a baker and a baker is deeply passionate about law and dreams of becoming a hot-shot lawyer while a lawyer wants nothing else than to become an artist. Maybe it would’ve all worked out without chaos if everyone actually did what they really wanted to do?

So, is she about to become what she really wants?
Is she about to embark on a career filled with tasks that she really wants to do and enjoy doing?
She used to think so, but now she’s not so sure anymore. She doubts whether she’s actually going to look forward to work everyday. She doubts whether she’s going to be good at it. Doubts if it’ll satisfy her so deeply that she’ll be grateful everyday for having chosen the right kind of work. Doubts whether others will appreciate her for the job she’ll be doing and the contribution she’ll be giving. Simply doubts. And the doubts are digging deeper and deeper. Deep and harshly into the core of her being as she’s walking home surrounded by cold wet rain.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

19 Feb

Side 53: Fornuft og tvil

rainyday

Ingerid trasker hjem i det tunge regneværet, men føler fortsatt varmen fra samtalen med Per. Likevel vet hun ikke helt hva hun skal foreta seg. Om hun skal gå tilbake til lesesalen, sitte hjemme og lese, eller om hun rett og slett skal ta en dag fri og finne på noe annet. Det er mest likt henne å være pliktoppfyllende, så hun føler en anstrengelse i halsen ved tanken på å ta en dag fri. Det er lagt opp et stramt tidsskjema i forhold til hvor mange sider man bør lese hver dag for å komme i mål til eksamen, og hun vet godt at det er vanskelig å ta igjen hvis man først begynner å henge etter.

Regnet trommer kraftig ned på paraplyen der hun går og vurderer for og i mot. Hver gang hun tenker ut i fra hva som er mest fornuftig, kjenner hun det knyter seg lett i magen. Pliktløp, pliktløp, pliktløp, tenker hun og sukker. Foreldrenes stemme surrer i det fjerne:
”Tenk om alle bare skulle gjort som de hadde lyst til? Da hadde det blitt totalt kaos! Vi må alle gjøre ting vi ikke har lyst til!”, hører hun de rope i minnene hennes.

Var det virkelig sant det de påsto? Ville det virkelig blitt kaos? Kanskje det ikke hadde blitt kaos i det hele tatt, men heller mer glede. For var det ikke noen ganger slik at vaktmesteren innerst inne kanskje hadde hatt lyst til å bli lege, og legen innerst inne kanskje hadde hatt lyst til å bli baker, og advokaten egentlig hadde lyst til å bli kunstner, og møbelsnekkeren egentlig hadde lyst til å bli politimann? Kanskje det likevel hadde ordnet seg hvis alle gjorde og ble det de hadde lyst til?

Var hun på vei til å bli det hun egentlig hadde lyst til? Hun trodde det før, men nå føler hun seg usikker. I tvil om det er egentlig det hun kommer til å glede seg over å gjøre hver dag. I tvil om hun egentlig er noe god til det. I tvil om at det vil tilfredsstille henne så dypt at hun vil være takknemlig for yrket hun har valgt hver dag hun går på jobben. I tvil om andre vil verdsette henne for arbeidet hun ville komme til å gjøre. I tvil. Rett og slett i tvil. Og tvilen gnager hardt og dypt i henne der hun trasker sakte hjem i det våte regneværet.

… fortsettelse følger…

Jenny Lane

26 Jan

Page 51-52

girl-sitting

His lips taste like sweet cherry lipgloss, but Elise knows it’s not hers. It’s from one of her best girlfriends and she’s now lying by his feet struggling to take his pants off.
“How did I end up in this situation?”, Elise asks herself and feels the inner fight between right and wrong. She opens her eyes but all she’s able to see is Per Olav’s cheek and hair. His lips and tongue is still passionately engulfed with hers. Elise feels absentminded as if her mouth and tongue lived a life of their own without her involvement. But the cherry lipgloss piques her curiosity. It reminds her of Katy Perry’s song “I kissed a girl”. Escaping from the awkwardness of the moment, she finds herself playing around with thoughts of kissing Silje when all of a sudden Per Olav throws his head backwards and opens his mouth widely in a big sigh. The eruption of enjoyment takes her by surprise.

“What made him react so suddenly?”, she wonders and gazes down his naked, muscular body and sees Silje with her head buried between his legs. He’s completely lost in Silje’s mouth. Elise realises he’s now blissfully unaware of her own presence. Her competitive spirit starts to emerge.

“What should I do? How can I reclaim his attention?”, Elise desperately inquires.
“Shit, I should’ve been a little more drunk before I got myself into this mess”, she thinks and looks around the room to see if she can spot any glasses or bottles of alcohol. A few wineglasses sit on the bedside table. She leans over to grab hold of one but realises they’re all empty.
Should she leave the room in order to get something from the bar in the living room? She ponders the idea for a short while but quickly throws it away in fear of missing something important. She doesn’t want to be out of the room if a big move happens. It could easily make it too hard for her to get back in the game again. The feeling of redundancy is already highly palpable.

“What can I do to get back on track?”, she contemplates frantically.
The song keeps popping up in her head in the tiny moments between one desperate thought after another.
“I kissed a girl and I liked it!” The lyrics pounds in her mind like a repetitive beat.
For lack of a better idea she moves towards Silje and starts kissing and caressing her half naked bottom. Silje immediately reacts by perking her head up in surprise.
Elise halts.
A second of shock comes over Silje’s face before her expressions quickly softens again by the pleasurable sensations given to her body. It drives her to continue even more passionately on Per Olav’s body.

Inspired by Silje’s accept and passion, Elise dares to take it a step further. She grabs hold of Silje’s thong with her teeth, and slowly pulls it down with a trail of wet kisses along the way. Soft fingers daringly caress her hips and the insides of her thighs. Silje lets out a pleasurable moan and sticks her bottom even further out. Elise answers the call by letting her fingers slowly find their way into the wet landscape between her legs. Her fingers playfully and teasingly circles the edges of her wet lips making Silje’s body sway from side to side eagerly chasing the next touch. Their breathing is heavy and loud. When Elise lets one of her fingers slip into her girlfriend’s wet tunnel a loud pleasurable scream of relief fills the room. Elise leans over Silje’s legs and softly kisses her butt cheeks while her finger caresses the insides until an alarming thought suddenly rushes in like a freight train in her brain.

“What is she doing?”, she thinks and panics.
She’s touching, caressing and kissing one of her best girlfriends! How are they going to be able to face each other tomorrow? Is this going to change everything?”, she ponders in fear while withdrawing her fingers abruptly.
“No, I can’t do this. It’s stupid. Too close. Too weird. Too disgusting…”, she concludes and leaves the room frantically.

Elise leans against the wall outside the room and slides down until she hits the hard floor. Their moans are still audible. Images of their movements in bed pop up with every squeaking sound they make. The situation has turned into a torturous experience.

Wet, shameful tears run down her chin. She rests against the wall with her knees tightly tugged to her chest. With hurt and hopelessness she puts her head in her hands until a scent of Silje gently seeps towards her. With anger and regret she abruptly pulls her hands away as if they weren’t her own. Seemingly blaming her hands for the actions committed.
“How could I be so stupid”, she says harshly as if scolding could remedy the situation. Snot and tears are being wiped away with a t-shirt she grabbed on her way out of the room. Frozen like a rabbit under attack, she remains in the same position unable to make a sound or walk away. Afraid of missing out on any action, she sits there quietly with a sea of emotion swirling around her body like a poisonous maelstrom of anger, jealousy and humiliation.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

26 Jan

Side 51-52

girl-sitting

Leppene hans smaker som søt kirsebær lipgloss, og Elise vet at det ikke er fra henne. Ved bena hans ligger Silje som holder på å dra av han buksene. Hvordan havnet hun i denne situasjonen?, tenker hun og kjenner den indre kampen om rett og galt. Hun åpner øynene og ser bare den nære huden til Per Olav som fortsatt kysser henne dypt og inderlig. Kirsebær lipglossen minner henne om Katy Perrys sang ”I kissed a girl”, og hun tar seg selv i å plutselig leke med tanken om å kysse Silje i det Per Olav åpner munnen og slenger hodet bakover med et høyt stønn. Hun ser nedover den nakne, muskuløse kroppen og oppdager Silje med ansiktet begravd mellom bena hans.

Hva skulle hun gjøre nå? Filler’n hun skulle nok ha vært litt fullere før hun begav seg inn på dette, tenker hun og ser rundt i rommet etter noen glass eller flasker med alkoholholdig drikke. Men vinglassene på nattbordet er tomme. Skal hun forlate situasjonen og helle i seg noen harde dråper fra barskapet i stuen, vurderer hun et lite øyeblikk, men kaster ideen raskt fra seg i redsel for å gå glipp av noe og for å komme for sent inn i spillet igjen. Følelsen av at det er en person for mye i rommet, er allerede veldig sterk. Hva skal hun gjøre for å komme seg inn på banen igjen?, tenker hun febrilsk. Sangen dukker opp igjen i hodet hennes og i mangel på en bedre ide, beveger hun seg ned mot Silje og begynner å kysse og kjærtegne hennes halvnakne rumpe. Silje reiser hodet forundret opp, snur seg mot Elise og stivner ett sekund, før hun slapper av igjen og går villere til verks på Per Olavs kropp. Inspirert av Siljes aksept og lidenskap, våger Elise seg ett skritt lengre ut på den slakke linen, og tar tak i stringtrusen til Silje med tennene. Hun drar den sakte nedover med små, våte kyss langs kanten, mens hun samtidig kjærtegner hoftene og innsiden av lårene hennes med fingrene. Silje stønner av vellyst og stikker den myke rumpen lengre ut mot Elise som svarer med å la fingrene sakte finne frem i det våte landskapet mellom bena hennes. Hun lar fingrene leke lett og ledig rundt leppekantene i ertende bevegelser som får Silje til å vugge svakt fra side til side. Hun puster tungt og slipper ut et skrik av nytelse da Elise lar den ene fingeren sakte gli inn i den våte tunnelen. Hun lener seg over benene og kysser rumpen hennes mykt mens fingeren kjærtegner innsiden av venninnen helt til faretruende tanker plutselig suser inn som godstog i hjernen. Alarmer går av i hytt og pine.
”Hva er det hun holder på med?”, tenker hun i vill panikk. Det er hennes egne, gode venninne hun nå kysser, fingrer og klår på. Hvordan skal hun kunne møte blikket hennes igjen dagen etter? Kommer dette til å forandre alt?, tenker hun i redsel og trekker raskt til seg fingrene.
”Nei, dette klarer jeg ikke. Det blir for dumt. For nært. For rart. For ekkelt…”, tenker hun og stormer ut av rommet.

Elise synker ned langs veggen på utsiden av soverommet. Hun kan fortsatt høre stønnene og forestille seg bevegelsene i sengen for hvert knirk og dunk mot veggen. Våte, skamfulle tårer triller nedover kinnet hennes der hun sitter sammenkrøket med knærne godt trukket inntil brystet. Duften av Silje siver mot henne da hun legger hodet i hendene, og i sinne trekker hun hendene vekk fra ansiktet. ”At hun kunne være så dum!”, sier hun til seg selv som om kjefting var et botemiddel på situasjonen. Hun tørker vekk tårer og snørr med t-skjorten hun rasket med seg da hun forlot rommet, men våger ikke å gi fra seg en lyd. Ikke vil hun gå på badet og vaske hendene heller. Hun vil ikke gå glipp av noe, men bare sitte der med alle følelsene og ørene på stilk i en vond selvpining av anger, sjalusi og nedvergelse.

… fortsettelse følger…

Jenny Lane

17 Jan

Chapter 8: Page 49-50: Hunter, Prey and Threesome

champis

 

Chapter 8
Petter turns up the music inside the white Range Rover Evoque. The whole car is suddenly filled with Flo Rida and Sia’s voice screaming
“Hey, I heard you were a wild one”.
The mood exalts upwards and makes the girls join in from the backseat.
“Ooooooh ooooh ooooh!”, they respond.
The car turns into the parking lot at Tjuvholmen. They quickly get out of the car and storm towards Bølgen & Moi eager to consume expensive champagne, excellent food and a beautiful sunset. They grab hold of one of the large tables outside. Chairs are replaced by trendy red plastic benches covered with white sheep skins. The place is packed with seemingly successful people in a good party mood behind dark sunglasses and luxury brand clothes. Per Olav is quick to order a few bottles of champagne and some beers.
“Yooohooo!”, the girls reply as the cork pops and the liquid gold is poured into stiletto glasses. Laughter and loud voices mingle together in the radiant summer sun. The evening is beautifully lit up by high cheers and appreciation. Their sporty outfit seems to draw more and more attention as the guys starts to fill up with alcohol. And Per Olav don’t seem to miss a beat as he knows to keep the girls glasses always nearly full. Sara is on one side of the table with a couple of guys on each side and Per Olav is sitting between Silje and Elise just across.

As the evening grows darker, his hands grow hungrier. He starts to move them up and down both of their thighs underneath the table. If one of the girls is busy in a conversation with another guy, he quickly turns to the other girl. His attention wanders between them to make sure their both happy and eager. And as the number of champagne glasses rises, so does the party mood. Influenced by the setting and the rhythm of champagne, both of the girls starts to return his caresses underneath the table. A dangerous dance of arousal starts to evolve. The movements might be secretly hidden from the crowd, but the game is written all over their faces. The fiery eyes, the hungry smiles and flirtatious secrecy.

As they walk over to BAR down the street he displays his territorial powers through a good grip around both their waists. Both of the girls seem to enjoy his attention. They don’t look bothered at all by sharing him as the shot glasses lands on their table time after time, until a few rounds in. Per Olav starts to lose hold of the situation. Before he knows it Elise and Silje are arguing loudly over his favour. He laughs at them and mumbles something about being sexy when they argue. But when it starts to get out of hand, he interrupts.
“I like both of you. How about a threesome?”, he asks playfully.
They go silent while the question lingers in the air. Is he joking? The girls examine each other with intoxicated bloodshot eyes.

Is it supposed to be a joke, or does he really mean it? Elise looks puzzled over at Per Olav. He returns her gaze with a satisfied smile and an attitude confirming the cockiness of his suggestion. The fiery passion she got familiar with last night has returned. But this time the lightning desire in his eyes is also directed at her girlfriend. He seems to desire them both. She couldn’t have been that bad in bed after all if he’s willing to continue, she concludes while being a little bit annoyed that he desires her girlfriend more than her. A man likes to hunt, she remembers. And since he already had her as his prey yesterday, her choice tonight will probably wind down to accepting his offer for a threesome or tolerate him desiring and possibly spending the night with her girlfriend alone instead. Suddenly it’s no longer a competition between her and Silje, but rather a question of whether she’d like to join the game or not. In the light of her last thought, Elise decides to not give up so easily. She starts to laugh to ease up the tension and throws the ball of the game over to Silje. Is she going to reject the proposition about a threesome by seeing it as a joke, or is she going to accept? Elise stares intensely at her while a deep arousing beat pounds in the background with Usher’s voice singing:
”If you want to scream, yeah, let me know and I’ll take you there”.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

17 Jan

Kapittel 8: Side 49-50: Jeger, Byttedyr og Trekant

champis

Kapittel 8
Petter skrur opp musikken i den hvite Range Rover Evoque’n. Hele bilen fylles med Flo Rida og Sia’s stemme som skriker: ”Hey, I heard you were a wild one”. Stemningen øker raskt, og jentene synger med fra baksetet.
“Oooooh ooooh ooh”, stemmer de i.
De svinger inn på Tjuvholmen, parkerer og stormer mot Bølgen & Moi for å nyte edle dråper, god mat og solnedgang. De kaprer et at de store langbordene på utsiden, og Per Olav er rask til å bestille et par flasker champagne og noen halvlitere med øl. Stedet syder av tilsynelatende vellykkede mennesker med mørke solbriller og dyre merkeklær. Jentenes sporty antrekk for enda mer oppmerksomhet når guttene begynner å få litt alkohol innabords, og Per Olav vet å holde glassene deres fulle av champagne til enhver tid der han sitter midt i mellom Silje og Elise. Hendene hans beveger seg stadig vekk oppover lårene på både Silje og Elise. Er en av jentene opptatt i en samtale med en av de andre guttene, snur han seg raskt mot den andre. Oppmerksomheten hans vandrer fra den ene til den andre og tilbake i en runddans, og litt etter litt i takt med antall glass champagne, feststemning og humør begynner begge å gjengjelde kjærtegnene hans under bordet. Når de beveger seg noen skritt bortover til BAR, har han en arm godt rundt begges hofter. Både Elise og Silje nyter oppmerksomheten hans og ser ikke ut til å bry seg om å dele inntil shotglassene kommer på bordet nok en gang. Per Olav begynner å miste taket, og før han vet ordet av det konkurrerer Elise og Silje høylytt om hans gunst. Han ser på begge og flirer av hvor sexy han syntes de er når de krangler. Til slutt avbryter han.

”Jeg liker dere begge to jeg. Hva med en trekant?”, spør han lekende.
Det blir stille mellom dem, og spørsmålet blir hengende igjen i luften. Jentene gransker hverandre med sløve blikk og boblende rus. Var det ment som en spøk, eller mente han alvor, undrer Elise og ser bort på Per Olav. Han smiler tilfreds tilbake med en kroppsholdning som tilsier at han mener hvert ord. Den lidenskapelige ilden som hun ble kjent med i går, er tilbake igjen. Men det lysende begjæret i øynene hans er denne gangen også rettet mot hennes venninne. Likevel ser hun at det er like mye rettet mot henne. Hun kan ikke ha vært helt dårlig i sengen hvis han er villig til å fortsette, tenker hun. Samtidig ergres hun litt over at han også begjærer venninnen. En mann liker å jakte, tenker hun. Og siden han allerede hadde henne som bytte i går, blir nok valget i kveld å akseptere forslaget hans om trekant, eller finne seg i at han heller ønsker venninnen. Plutselig var det ikke lenger en konkurranse mellom henne og Silje, men heller et spørsmål om hun ville være med på leken eller ei. I lyset av de siste tankene bestemmer Elise seg for at hun ikke gir opp så lett, og begynner å gapskratte for å løse opp spenningen og hive ballen over til Silje. Vil hun kaste vekk forslaget om trekant og ta det som en spøk, eller vil hun akseptere? I bakgrunnen dundrer bass og eggende rytmer til Usher stemme der han synger ”If you want to scream, yeah, let me know and I’ll take you there”.

… fortsettelse følger…

Jenny Lane

 

13 Jan

Page 46-48: A Warm Embrace

klem

“It sounds complicated and difficult”, Ingerid replies skeptically. She can’t help thinking about the situation with Sara and Silje and the words that just fell out of her mouth in defence.
“It might sound difficult now, but with the exercises you’ve learned you’ll see that your awareness muscle will expand and sort of turn down the pace for you. It becomes almost like you’ve hit a slow-motion button. Time will seem to stretch itself as if it was bendable”, Per explains and laughs at the thought.
With bright shimmering eyes he continues:
“In this slow-motion time, you’ll eventually discover several levels of information”.
Ingerid gives him a serious and doubtful look.
“Don’t look at it that way”, Per responds in a playful way pushing her shoulder lightly.
“See it as an exciting Universe that you’re about to discover. Find the adventurous part of yourself, the one that is full of curiosity and eagerness. The one that dives deep into the ocean looking for gold and diamonds”, Per says with a theatrical voice totally in line with the pictures that are adorning the wall behind him.
Ingerid laughs and feels relieved by his humour and his knowledge of the path ahead of her.

“What got you into meditation?”, Ingerid asks curiously as the waitress arrives with two large cups of hot chocolate garnished with freshly whipped cream.
“Mmmm….”, Per replies and looks at the tempting cup in front of him. He takes a sip of the cocoa and with a cream-mustache he says playfully:
“Now, let me tell you….”
His comedic voice and silliness makes them both giggle.
“Sorry, I can’t seem to be serious for longer periods at a time”, Per replies and laughs apologetically.
But then he seems to take her question into deeper consideration. He pauses for a moment as his face melts into honesty. Then he starts his story:

“Some time ago, my dad died”, he begins gently.
Ingerid looks at him with sad and compassionate eyes.
“No, it wasn’t that sad. Or… The actual sad part about it was that I didn’t feel a big sorrow. I didn’t mourn his loss”, he adds.
“One is supposed to feel sadness and grief when a family member dies, right? But I didn’t feel it. It almost felt like it could’ve been just anybody who died” he says and halts for a moment to think.
“You weren’t close to each other?”, Ingerid asks carefully and a little afraid that this conversation might end in tears. She turns around and lets out a slight sigh of relief when she sees that the coffee shop isn’t filled with a lot of people in case of an embarrassing scene.

“We were both close and not close at the same time. I mean…. I think we had a pretty normal relationship. I saw him probably four or five times a year and we talked a little every time… But he was never the talkative guy. He never asked any questions. I think he might have been a little afraid to ask about something that could potentially upset me. And then I think he was never able to accept my sexuality. It alienated me I guess”, Per says thoughtfully like he’s still trying to figure it out and understand him.

Ingerid gives him a warm smile and nods. He looks up at her, returns the smile and looks down again. After a short silence he continues.
“Anyhow. That’s what caused me to get in touch with a therapist who recommended meditation. Since then I’ve taken several meditation workshops. In the beginning I did it mostly to try and understand my dad. Then I did it to try to understand myself. But then after a while I felt like words became redundant and that an inner peace was revealing itself instead. I realized that I could dig deeper and deeper in an attempt to try to understand, but that the digging could go on forever, giving me different approaches and answers every time. With that realization, an answer appeared. I could search if I wanted to for words that would give me some sort of answer, but it would never quench the thirst inside. Because what I was really searching for was deeper than words”, he says ending the story with a warm smile.

Ingerid doesn’t know what to say. Silence takes the space instead and lets his words sink in. They sit in silence for a little while before Ingerid feels an uncomfortable restlessness. She isn’t quite sure she understands the point of his story.
“What is about this peace that you keep referring to?” she asks a little confused and puzzled.
“Oh, if you haven’t felt it, I cannot explain. It has to be experienced”, Per says softly with compassion.
“By the way: There’s something you should know that they didn’t talk about at the workshop. There are two kinds of experiences of silence. One could be described as cold. As if time has frozen to ice. This silence or stillness is often referred to as shock. Out of body experience. As if disappearing into a black hole that sucks all life into itself. Emptiness without life if you’d like”, he says and inhales as if preparing for an attack or trying to defend himself from something unknown.

“Then there’s the other experience of silence which is warm. Ever expanding and full. Like a mother’s warm embrace. Nurturing. A stillness that feels good throughout your entire body and that makes you want to stay in it forever. Like an alive presence”, Per explains while looking like he’s enjoying a warm hug with every word he shares. He then takes a closer look at Ingerid’s face to see if she’s following.
“If you’re uncertain whether you’re moving in the right direction, there’s a simple technique that’ll point you straight back. It’s simply smiling”, he says and laughs while reaching out his hand towards the waitress in order to ask for the bill.

“I think I got a little taste of that at the workshop we went to”, Ingerid says with a slight uncertainty.
“I felt this enormous silence filling the room for at least a few seconds”, she continuous.
“Well, then you’re on your way”, Per replies and smiles.
“When you’ve first had a taste of it, the thirst for more will drive you onwards”, he adds while wiping his mouth with a napkin after a huge mouthful of the hot chocolate which is now starting to get cold.
“Drive me towards what?”, Ingerid asks puzzled.
“Nobody knows”, he replies with a huge smile and a wink.
“I’m going to a concert tonight with some friends. Do you want to come?”, he asks while paying the bill on the table.
“Yes, I’d love to”, Ingerid replies remembering the plans she originally had with Sara and Silje. Those plans are definitely out the window after what happened in the cantina earlier, so she might as well do something different.
“Who’s playing?”, she asks curiously while putting on her coat.
“Deva Premal & Miten” he says on his way out of the coffee shop.
She gives him that puzzled look again.
“They do old Indian mantras in a modern way… It’s sort of hard to explain. Again, you’ll  just have to experience it for yourself”, he says smilingly and laughs.
“Ok, I’m in!”, Ingerid replies with a big smile and gives him a long warm hug. They linger in each others arms for a while. Ingerid feels like she’s starting to appreciate these long hugs more and more. It’s like giving a little extra time to each other in order to really feel the warmth and the good feelings between them.
“So, I’ll see you at the Logen Teater at 8pm then” he says warmly and walks back to his enchanted flower shop.

… to be continued…

Jenny Lane

13 Jan

Side 46-48: En Varm Klem

klem

”Det høres komplisert og vanskelig ut”, svarer Ingerid skeptisk og tenker på situasjonen tidligere med venninnene og hvor fort ordene bare datt ut av munnen på henne i forsvar.
”Det høres kanskje vanskelig ut nå, men med øvelsene du har lært vil du se at litt etter litt vil muskelen vi kaller bevissthet ekspandere og på en måte skru ned tempoet for deg. Det blir som om du nesten skulle ha trykket på en slow-motion knapp. Tiden vil virke som om den strekker seg, som om den skulle vært tøyelig nesten!, forklarer Per og humrer ved tanken. Med lysende og ivrige øyne fortsetter han:
”I den slow-motion tiden vil du etter hvert oppdage flere nivåer av informasjon.” Ingerid gir han et morsk og bekymret uttrykk.
”Ikke se på det sånn, da!”, sier han lekent mot henne og dytter henne lett på skulderen.
”Se det heller som et spennende univers du skal oppdage. Finn eventyrlysten i deg, den som er full av nysgjerrighet og iver og som kaster seg ut i det dype hav på leting etter gull og diamanter.”, sier Per med sin mest dramatiske teaterstemme helt i tråd med de overdådige kostymene på kunstbildene bak han. Ingerid ler og kjenner seg lettet over å ha noen å snakke med som er kommet et lite stykke videre på den veien hun så vidt har begynt å snuse på.
”Hva fikk deg til å begynne å meditere?”, spør Ingerid og ser nysgjerrig opp på han i det servitøren kommer med to store kopper med varm sjokolade og krem.
”Mmmm”, svarer Per og ser ned mot koppen foran han. Han tar en slurk av kakaoen og med krembart svarer han:
”Nå skal du høre her…” med en komediestemme som får de begge til å fnise og le. ”Sorry, jeg klarer bare ikke å være alvorlig så lenge av gangen”, svarer han og ler unnskyldende.

Så blir han alvorlig og begynner sin historie:
”For en liten stund tilbake døden faren min”, begynner han forsiktig.
Ingerid ser medlidende på han med triste øyne.
”Nei, det var ikke så trist det altså. Eller. Det var faktisk det som var trist for meg. Nettopp det at jeg ikke følte den store sorgen”, legger han til.
”Man skal jo liksom kjenne en stor sorg når et familiemedlem dør, men jeg kjente altså ikke det. Det føltes nesten ut som om det kunne vært hvem som helst som døde”, forteller han og stopper i en liten tankepause.
”Var dere ikke så nær hverandre?”, spør Ingerid forsiktig litt redd for at samtalen skal ende i tårer. Hun snur seg rundt og puster litt lettet ut over at det ikke er så mange i lokalet.
”Vi både var nær og ikke nær samtidig. Det vil si.. Jeg tror at vi hadde et ganske normalt forhold. Jeg så han vel fire-fem ganger i året, og vi pratet jo litt hver gang. Men han var jo aldri den pratsomme typen. Stilte aldri noen spørsmål. Jeg tror han var litt redd for å spørre om noe som kunne tas ille opp. Og så tror jeg at han egentlig aldri klarte å akseptere legningen min. Det ble for fremmed for han, tror jeg”, sier Per tankefullt som om han fortsatt leter etter å forstå.

Ingerid nikker forståelsesfullt til han. Etter en kort stillhet fortsetter han.
”Det var i hvert fall det som fikk meg til å ta kontakt med en terapeut som anbefalte noen meditasjonskurs. Siden den gang har jeg gått på flere kurs. I begynnelsen gjorde jeg det mest for å forsøke å forstå faren min og så meg selv, men etter hvert kjente jeg at ordene begynte å bli overflødige og at en indre ro tok plass i stedet. Jeg så at jeg kunne grave og grave i et forsøk på å forstå, men at gravingen kunne pågå i evigheter og gi nye svar og nye vinklinger hver gang. Og ut av den realiseringen kom svaret til meg. Jeg kunne lete og lete hvis jeg ville, etter ord som kunne gi meg svar, men likevel ville det aldri tilfredsstille tørsten i meg. For det jeg virkelig søker er dypere enn ord”, avslutter han og smiler varmt til Ingerid.

Ingerid vet ikke helt hva hun skal svare. Det blir stille mens ordene hans synker inn. Hun vet ikke helt om hun får helt taket på hva han sier. Litt forvirret spør hun:
”Hva er det med den roen?”
”Åh, hvis ikke du har kjent på den, så må den oppleves.”, forklarer Per mykt og forståelsesfullt.
”Det er forresten en ting du bør vite som de ikke snakket om på kurset. Det er to forskjellige grunnopplevelser av stillhet. Den ene er en kald opplevelse. Som om tiden skulle vært frosset til is. Denne stillheten betegnes ofte som sjokk. Ut av kroppen følelse. Som om man forsvinner inn i et sort hull som suger til seg alt liv. Tomhet uten liv, om du vil”, sier han og trekker inn pusten.
”Og så har du den andre opplevelsen av stillhet som er varm. Ekspanderende og full. Som en varm omfavnelse av morskjærlighet. Nærende. En stillhet som kjennes godt ut i hele kroppen, og som man har lyst til å bli værende i. Som er tilstedeværende.” forklarer Per som om han nyter en klem for hver eneste setning han sier. Han gransker ansiktet til Ingerid for å se om hun henger med.
”Hvis du er usikker på om du beveger deg i riktig retning, finnes det en enkel teknikk som justerer deg på rett vei umiddelbart. Det er så enkelt som å smile.”, sier han og ler mens han rekker ut hånden til servitøren for å spørre om regningen.

”Jeg tror jeg fikk en liten smakebit av det på kurset vi var på”, sier Ingerid litt usikkert.
”Det var i hvert fall noen små sekunder hvor jeg følte at det var en enorm stillhet som fylte rommet”, fortsetter Ingerid.
”Ja, da er du på vei”, svarer Per og smiler.
”Når du først har fått smaken på det, vil tørsten etter mer drive deg videre”, legger han til og tørker seg om munnen etter å ha tatt en stor munnfull av kakaoen som begynner å bli kald.
”Drive meg videre hvor da?”, spør Ingerid forundret.
”Det er det ingen som vet”, svarer han lurt og blunker med den ene øyet.
”Jeg skal forresten på en konsert med noen venner i kveld. Har du lyst til å være med?”, spør han og betaler regningen som er kommet på bordet.
”Ja, det kan jeg vel”, svarer Ingerid og minnes planene hun egentlig hadde i kveld sammen med Sara og Silje. De kom det nok definitivt ikke til å bli noe av etter hendelsen i kantinen tidligere, tenker hun.
”Hvem er det som spiller?”, spør hun nysgjerrig og tar på seg ytterjakken.
”Deva Premal & Miten heter de”, svarer han på vei ut døren til Barfot.
”De synger og spiller gamle, indiske mantraer på en ny, mer moderne måte. Det er vanskelig å forklare. Igjen, det kan bare oppleves!”, sier han og ler hjertelig.
”Ok, jeg blir med!”, svarer hun smilende tilbake og gir han en lang klem. De blir igjen stående noen sekunder, og Ingerid kjenner hun allerede begynner å like disse lange klemmene. Det gir tid til å ta inn den andre personen og virkelig kjenne på varmen og de gode følelsene mellom dem.
”Da sees vi på Logen Teater kl. 20”, sier han til henne i det han snur seg og går tilbake til blomsterbutikken.

… fortsettelse følger…

Jenny Lane

11 Jan

Why die young?

Stay Connect

I hear your voice, I hear your desperation, I hear your longing, I hear your heart… Your beating heart. Screaming with every beat.
Even if the beating has gone numb. Even if all desperation has died into despair and carelessness…
But I still hear you. I hear you. And I care.

Yes, I know you’re trying to pretend that nobody sees you, but if you only knew how we’re all connected, you’d know that there’s nowhere to hide.

I even see that deep down inside of you there’s a smile hidden underneath your seriousness. A curiosity underneath the dullness. An aliveness under the appearance of death. Why hide? You can still be different. You don’t have to buy into what everyone else believes in. You can still do it your own way.
Just stay and connect.

Screaming for change isn’t everyone’s path. Silently withdrawing is saying just as much. It’s just as loud. Believe me, I know.

This world might not be what you want it to be. It might not be what you’ve dreamt of.
Yet…
You might not see it yet. Especially not if you give up.
Without you, this world you feel and see in your heart is even further away.
So hold on…
Hold on because one day you’ll see a way to contribute.
One day you’ll meet more people like yourself.
One day you’ll discover you’re far from alone.

All you precious souls out there, silently and resentfully waiting for a new tomorrow… Look beyond your limits. Reach out a little further. Get to know someone new. Reach out to reach in. Connect out to connect in. Or connect in to connect out. Either way. Connect and stay.

And know.
One day.
When you’ve reached bottom, when you’ve seen enough darkness, you’ll come to a place of peace and find joy in sharing, participating and playing again.

So now, stay.
Start today as if there’s a whole new world out there. Begin today in a brand new way.

Stay.

Loving you limitlessly, endlessly and unconditionally,
Jenny Lane

 

11 Jan

Page 43-45: An Ocean of Possibilities

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Chapter 7
“Hi, you’ve reached Per Hallsteinsgjerde. How can I help you today?”
Per’s voice is light and happy when he answers the phone and soothes Ingerid’s ears like balm on dry skin.
“Hi Per. It’s Ingerid from the workshop”, Ingerid says with the phone tightly squeezed to her chin.
“Hiiii Ingerid! How are you doing?”, Per answers lingering on the “i” as if hugging it while smiling widely. Ingerid feels the warmth spread throughout her entire body and it almost makes her swell up in tears again. What’s happening to her these days? The mood shifts go up and down as if she was entering menopause or something.
“I need to talk to someone who might understand what I’m going through”, Ingerid replies barely able to restrain herself from crying.
“Aaawh…” Per says with a compassionate tone.
“Meet me at the flower shop, and we’ll go and grab a coffee somewhere”, he continues.

Per’s flowershop is located on a side street to Torgalmenningen in Bergen. The façade of the building is decorated in a French countryside style with ornaments carved out of grey concrete. A few worn out wooden boxes with beautiful pink hydrangeas and purple lavender perks up the pavement and entices customer to enter into his fairytale flower boutique.
Ingerid walks up to the door but hesitates to enter. Per sees her through the window and responds with a few hand gestures signalizing he’ll be right outside. The rain is pouring down as it often does in Bergen. While waiting Ingerid tightens the mustard coloured scarf around her neck and kicks her legs together to avoid freezing too much in the cold fall weather.
Per exits the shop and quickly slips under her umbrella with a firm grip around her waist and says:
“Come! Let’s go somewhere and grab a nice hot chocolate. We have to indulge a little to endure this weather!”
His voice is light and warm. A lightness in contrast to the heaviness she feels inside, which is exactly what she needs right now. Someone who can stand outside of her dark bubble, lift her up and push her forward into the light. Even though she doesn’t know him that much, he seems like the right person to do just that. So far he hasn’t disappointed.

Per looks at her underneath the umbrella with a warm smile and squeezes her even closer to his body several times on their short walk to the coffee shop. The most wonderful thing about Per, is that she knows that all his warmth and love towards her is simply unconditional kindness and nothing more. If he’d been heterosexual she probably would’ve gotten suspicious and analysed his body language with a negative connotation. Knowing that he’s gay makes it easier for both of them to relax and shower each other with full support and loving kindness. Or more accurately, it makes it easier for Per to shower Ingerid and for Ingerid to receive. There’s not so much showering going on the other direction yet, but Per doesn’t seem to mind. He’s shining with a carefree life energy that seems to effortlessly exude out of him.

“I wish I could be just as relaxed and joyous as you are”, Ingerid admits to Per underneath the umbrella.
“You are going to soon, Sweetie. It only takes a little effort everyday. If you look at your brain as a muscle, you’ll see that it simply takes a little bit of exercise, time and compassion. And don’t forget, you’re on your way already! A: You’ve just recently discovered that it’s a muscle, and B: you’ve just learned a few exercises. With a little training, you’ll see the fog lifting a little bit day by day”, Per explains as if he was her fitness instructor.
Ingerid knows he’s referring to the exercises from the workshop they went to, but nevertheless she still finds it slightly difficult and abstract.
“I’m not so sure if I’m that good at it. What if I continue the way I’m doing right now, which might be wrong, and then it doesn’t work at all. How do I know that I’m doing it right? How do I know it’ll work?” Ingerid asks with frustration hidden behind every word.
“As long as you’re doing the first task which is to simply return to focusing on your breath, you’ll eventually discover you’ll be able to maintain the focus for longer and longer periods at a time, until the concept of time disappears entirely. That might be the first evidence. Other things you’ll perhaps start to notice is that you might become aware of a consciousness in the background. Especially if you find yourself in a situation that pushes you to the limit. All of a sudden you may experience a new insight, a voice, a vision of a new direction or choice of reaction in that moment”, Per explains further while opening the door for her to the coffee shop “Barfot”.

Ingerid shakes the umbrella, stamps her feet on the floor mat, loosens her scarf and takes off her woollen hat in the little entry hall. The coffee shop and restaurant is warmly decorated with beige leather benches and terracotta colored brick walls. A few sharp looking bar stools in black leather and metal up against the worn out brick wall gives a hip and urban feel to the place reminiscent of New York. They walk towards an empty leather bench and take their coats off.
“What did you mean by the last thing you just said outdoors?”, Ingerid asks redirecting the conversation back to the topic that seems to incessantly pop up like an emergency alarm authoritatively demanding attention.
“The stuff about the awareness of a consciousness in the background when you’re pushed to the limit?”, he asks rhetorically.
Ingerid nods and gets into a comfortable position on the soft leather bench. Per sits down on the other side just across from her, orders two hot chocolates from the waitress and continues.

“Let’s say that a person accuses you for having done something you didn’t do. The usual way to react might be to speak up and defend yourself with all kinds of arguments and reasons. What you might discover after a while is that in the tiny fraction of a second right before you’re about to launch into your defence, you might see a sudden opening of opportunities. Like several choices spread out in front of you. At that moment, defending yourself with arguments isn’t any longer the only way to act. You can either react from autopilot or try something new. Suddenly you discover other ways of looking at the situation. Other ways to express your opinion. Other ways to express your voice, your body language. Other words and sentences. Other angles. Other perspectives. And in that moment, you have a choice. A selection of different approaches that enables different outcomes. And in that very moment you might be able to capture the cause and effect of every choice like visions of parallel futures. That’s when you have the real power of choice. In that golden moment, you’ll see which outcome you’d like to create from the situation at hand, and then choose the action from your enhanced vision that will most likely produce that result.”

Per examines Ingerid’s face thoroughly to see if she’s following. She nods, but not convincingly.
”When I was a little boy, I had a short temper and would easily blow up like an angry bull over simple stuff”, Per continues slightly laughing as he remembers a few incidents.
“At the time, my mother would always tell me to try to count to ten next time someone would bully me”, he says with eagerness and a light boyish smile.
“Wrapped in this little advice is the very essence I’m pointing at. Try to pay attention next time you find yourself in a situation where you would normally automatically react the way you’ve always done, and see if you’re able to stop and wait a few seconds… Just wait…”, he says and inhales loudly before he continues.
“…and see if there’s another way to respond to the situation”, he concludes and exhales with equal intensity.

…to be continued…

Jenny Lane